Men & Women

SHE SAYS: An effort to explain mood swings in a woman’s 20s

“You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.”
- An aggrivated Isabella Swan to her vampire co-part, Edward Cullen in Twilight.

I’m not talking about moody teenagers, or vampires for that matter, but this is a common issue between couples that can really put huge amounts of stress on significant relationships. Equally as important, the stress also affects the individuals who have no clue of understanding where these intense mood swings come from. Women in their 20s don’t really have it bad. They’re likely in the best shape of their life and still have good skin. They still have eggs in their ovaries, so WHAT GIVES? I don’t think anyone can set a solution in stone… all we have are our stories.

I’ll admit, right now, I could be entirely content at one moment, only to bewilder myself and my boyfriend by how fast I flip out after a small bump in the road. And I seriously mean I FLIPPING-THE-F-OUT… angry words, tears, sadness, bringing up “the past” then guilt for letting something so insignificant get under my skin.

The guilt happens because I wasn’t always like this. Through all my years of dating, I was considered by others to be the sweet one. The tolerant one. The great girlfriend who was always willing to compromise, could easily put herself in someone else’s shoes (most likely size 12 men’s shoes), and never sweat the small stuff. Someone once jokingly asked about me, “How could she be so nice? Really, what the hell is her agenda?” But in all seriousness - it was simply me, and I liked who I was. My friends and those I loved seemed generally happy.

Then it happened. I was dumped like trash kicked to the curb on a Monday morning, and I received more than the typical “It’s not you, it’s me” deal guys usually give when the girl hasn’t lied, cheated, stolen, or bitched in general. He said to me, “You have to admit you have a problem. You’re too nice and I can’t handle it (blah blah blah)…” Essentially, at the end of this fanstastically offending exit speech, he called me a pushover. Even if that wasn’t his intention, the scar was definitely left on my character. I even thought at one point, “Nice guys really do finish last, and the theory does not discrimiate. Apparently, nice girls finish last, too.”

Time goes by, and of course, the days get easier. Eventually, I was able to take the risk again and give relationships another try. Luckily for me, I found someone who absolutely ready to make me happy. He didn’t know it at the time, but he was going to have a rough road ahead and it would be a true challenge of how bad he wanted to make it work. In fact, I’m pretty sure he still has no idea what he’s in for.

Along the way, the once sweet girl lost her tolerance, and when something doesn’t seem right, she now speaks up FAST, intentionally driving the message home with a streak of bitchiness. The worst part is that she is well aware of her behavior and the affect she has on this poor guy. Yep, that’s me, a newly spawned BITCH and I can’t help it. The poor guy looks at me with confused eyes, genuinely saying, “I don’t understand.” I know he doesn’t. There’s no reason to blow up at him at that level of intensity. In fact, all he’s done is try to make me happy, occasionally making oversights that normal guys always have, like getting a little crazy with the guys, having one beer too many, or refusing to clean up after himself. I know all this, and I still swing like a metal bat crushing all the balls in my path (pun intended). The guilt sets in. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Here’s where the story starts to make sense (to me, anyway). I can’t go back to being a woman who sits on the far edge of the sweetness spectrum. It’s not possible, because I’ve learned that those women get walked on, get taken advantage of, and ultimately, get left behind in one way or another. I can’t cater to a man 100%, convince myself that I’m entirely independent, and unintentionally put my own needs on the backburner… all for the sake of staying together.

After going through the emotions of being dumped for being “too nice,” I fell to the other extreme end of the spectrum in defense of myself, and it’s been all bad. The mood swings come from being emotionally stuck in a defensive state during a time when I’m exerting a constant effort to once again become the person I enjoyed being in the past. This is hard to juggle.

I can never fully return to who I was before - this, I know. The goal is to balance myself, which is much like trying to balance a highly unstable ball in Labyrinth… Sometimes I’ll fall off the edge into a hole of anger, then wish my lucky stars for another chance to get back on my path to being happy with someone who I think could be the right person for me.

If I’m with the right guy, he’ll work with me as I try to find a balance between choosing my battles wisely vs. picking EVERY new battle, subconsciously feeling satisfation in not standing up for myself in the past. He’ll adapt himself when he hears why I’m pissed at him to help keep our team together. But I’m pretty sure it’s safe to assume that chances eventually do run out, and I can’t expect him to feel walked on or taken advantage of, either.