Men & Women

HE SAYS: A proposed alternative to “nagging”

It’s a carrot vs. stick scenario: even though negative reinforcement (i.e., nagging, yelling, unplugging the tv/computer/Xbox) will usually get more immediate results (i.e., he’ll get off his ass just to make the yelling stop), in general, people are always going to respond a lot better in the long run to positive reinforcement (i.e., encouragement, rewarding good behavior) than negative reinforcement.

I imagine the usual scenario that causes women to engage in the behavior men call “nagging” boils down to the following:

1. Man says he (wants to | should | will) do something (e.g., clean, cook, fix something).
2. Time goes by, and he doesn’t do the aforementioned thing.
3. Even more time goes by, enough to frustrate the woman and cause her to wonder why he even said what he said in step 1 in the first place.
4. Woman “reminds” man of what he said in step 1, usually somewhat vociferously due to her frustration in step 3.
5. In response (or, as suggested above, to get away from) the “nagging,” the man goes off and does what he said he would do.
6. Because the act of “nagging” achieved the desired result (getting the man to do what he said), the woman will likely resort to it in the future.

Now, yes, in most cases nagging will achieve immediate short-term results, but likely in a somewhat negative manner. The man will do what he is told only to make the nagging stop, not out of any intrinsic motivation or a desire for a positive result – he’s not chasing something desirable, he’s running from something undesirable.

In the long-run, if this pattern continues, he will only grow to resent her for always prodding her along; ironically, she probably thinks of herself as a positive force in his life, because she motivates him to change for the better. Well, men generally consider nagging the emotional equivalent of the whip or the cattle prod. Consider how the recipients of such “motivational instruments” generally feel about their bearers.

I don’t hear about it as often, but consider the inverse situation: one where the man nags the woman to do something she keeps talking about. The situation that comes to mind most readily – and one I imagine is likely to incite female readers – is the issue of working out (and the implicit issue contained therein: weight).

Almost every woman I’ve ever known has, at some point, complained (to me, to their friends, to the mirror even) about their weight or figure. Usually, this is followed with an assertion that, yes, they are going to work out more, starting tomorrow, or something to that effect. And while some women do, in fact, follow through on that assertion, inevitably, there are some that don’t.

And the next day, they’re back to looking at themselves in the mirror, complaining about their weight and figure, and saying that yes, they are going to the gym tomorrow to work it off.

Now, there is a general consensus among (most) guys that the smart thing to say in this situation is, well, nothing at all. (Smart guys know that she’ll know we’re lying if we say “no, you don’t have a noticeable belly at all,” and it’s considered a form of suicide to agree with the woman’s complaint about herself.)

But, of course, there’s going to be the guy that will get fed up with this cycle and “remind” the girl that she said she was going to start working out. Probably in a less than comforting tone, depending on how many times he’s seen her repeat the cycle, and how frustrated he’s become at her subsequent inaction.

Consider how she would react to his “nagging” in this situation. I imagine it would not go down well (for anyone involved) if he were to say something along the lines of: “God, you complaining about your weight every Goddamn day but you never do anyting about it, why don’t you just go to the gym already?”

She’s not going to take that well, because even though he is only trying to get her to do what she said she would do, he’s phrased it in such a way as to make it sound like an attack on her. And, when anyone feels like they’re being attacked, they’re going to respond either by becoming defensive, or by counter-attacking (or both).

Now, instead consider a more positive approach, something like: “Hey, maybe it would be fun if we started going to the gym together!” Or perhaps, offering to help her unwind after her workout with a backrub, or a home-made dinner.

As the old adage goes, you can catch more flies with honey. Well, in a *healthy relationship you can get better results with encouragement than with nagging.

*Addendum:

I should emphasize that this is the way to go in a healthy relationship. If, at the end of the day, the only way the woman gets a man to do anything is by nagging, that’s not going to be a positive thing for either of them.

No grown man wants to be treated like a child, and no woman wants to spend her life with an overgrown child of a boyfriend/husband. So, it’s harsh truth time:

• Men: If, despite your best efforts, she still resorts to treating you like a child all the time, maybe it’s time to consider the idea that a woman who only knows how to ask you do to things by yelling about them and belittling you might not be the best one for you. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a kindergardner whose homework has been eaten by the dog. Also, if she keeps trying to change you, maybe she doesn’t really want to be with you, but the guy she thinks she can turn you into, and that’s just not going to go well.
• Women: If, despite your best efforts, he still cannot for the life of him get off his ass to do any of the things he says he’ll do, maybe it’s time to consider the idea that a man who can’t follow through on anything he says might not be the best one for you. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a man that you can only see as an overgrown kindergardner who keeps making excuses about his homework. Also, if you keep hoping that someday he’ll change, maybe you don’t really want to be with him, but who he might be, and that’s just not going to go well.

Looking up ex-flames on Facebook, MySpace or Twitter (yikes!): Healthy or Just Wrong/Creepy?

It could be your last search before you go to bed. It could be a moment during the work day when you just get a little curious. You type in your ex’s name in Facebook’s search field and you’re just one click away from checking out their pictures, their relationship status, and the hot, hot “friends” who are writing on their wall. Let’s stop right there… what could possibly be a valid reason for hitting “search”? What do you expect to find? A new girlfriend? Flirty messages? Tagged photos of drunken debauchery? All of the above?

Then — click. His picture loads and immediately, you’ve checked his status. Wow, he’s turned that info off. Next, the wall. Who’s that girl? Is she in the same city? Next, the photos. I get he’s drunk. Is she just a friend?

Repeat x times a day for x months.

Let’s face it - if you do this, you’re not over him. You could have moved on, dated someone else, and even told friends (and yourself) that he’s gone for good. That may be true. Outwardly, you would never go back because it logically doesn’t make sense. But you’re STILL LOOKING. You’re still curious. You’re still wondering if the door is really closed. More specifically, you’re wondering if he’s closed the door because you never had the heart to do it yourself.

When one checks out an ex online repeatedly, it’s called self-inflicted PAIN. There’s absolutely nothing that feels good about seeing images of your ex living their life when they’ve decided you’re not meant to be part of the picture.

The best thing to do is to quit the self-torture - hit the delete button. Though the torture comes in small doses (click by click), keeping an eye on your ex makes truly moving on a slow, dreadful journey.

Now, looking your ex up just to see how they’re doing is totally OK, right? No, that’s jut making excuses. If it’s over, cry your tears because you’re allowed to, then wipe them away, close the door and quit looking back because you’re missing all the fabulous things in life passing you by right now. And let’s face it — if people knew you were checking on your ex that much, they might think it’s a little creepy.

p.s. For pete’s sake, turn off those mobile updates for his Twitter updates. It’s hard enough on you to click on his profiles… why be spontaneously reminded of his presence with the buzzing of your phone?

SHE ASKS: Why do men complain about being nagged when they clearly NEED nagging?

After that headline, I’m pretty sure you’ll react in one of two ways: A) You’ll feel judged and highly offended, or B) You’ll be raising your hands in the air screaming, “Hallelujah, I’m not the only one wondering!”

Though not a 100% generalization, most of the hand raising will be from ladies who express frustration over their beloved men who “have no sense of urgency about certain things and repeatedly do the same thing over and over again, digging their own holes,” as a girlfriend put it. I’m pretty sure there is no fix for feeling frustrated when your significant other doesn’t seem to have it together with the simple things. No man is expected to cure cancer or achieve tasks of that magnitude. But if he’s going to clean, clean. If he wants to wake up early and tackle the day, he can get his ass out of bed and greet the sunshine… and his girlfriend. We love them, and want to help them develop into who ever they want to be… but sometimes it frustrates the hell out of a woman to baby her guy when he doesn’t listen to us, and ultimately doesn’t listen to himself.

This leads me to the group of people who are probably feeling highly offended, and probably annoyed from being nagged in the first place. I can understand that a man doesn’t want to be treated like a child when he is clearly older than a 17 year old. Here’s something that might help: Say what you’ll do, and do what you say. That way, you can’t fail. If it’s difficult, simply ask for patience instead of yelling back. That will help the ladies know you’re aware of what’s going on instead of just being pissed.

My friend does hope for a solution with her boyfriend… no one wants to inherit a grown child. Women and men have highly different priorities which probably contributes to her feeling that something is “lacking” versus the man feeling that “it’s not a big deal.” It’s hard to not nag from both sides, especially if there seems to be no progress towards a simple goal.

Any ideas on how to squash the need for nagging?

HE SAYS: One male’s reaction to a female’s moodswings

Penny: “Well, how do you feel?”

Sheldon: “I don’t understand the question.”

-The Big Bang Theory

I certainly can’t speak for all guys everywhere, but at the very least I can give my account of being a twenty-something male in a relationship with a twenty-something female who is, on occasion, prone to sudden and (to me) jarring mood swings.

First, I suppose some background information will help you better understand where I’m coming from. Though I’ve had a number of relationships with women – both casual and serious – my current relationship is by far the longest serious long-term relationship I have ever been in, so as far as I’m concerned this is all new territory for me.

I have a very logical, analytical mind, which comes in handy because I’m in an analytical, rules-based profession. In law school, they teach a method for approaching problems called IRAC (for Issue, Rule, Analysis, Conclusion). Basically, you evaluate the issue at hand, determine what rules apply, analyze the facts of the situation at hand with the given rules, and come to the logical conclusion. It’s a very step-by-step, algorithmic way of dealing with problems, and in retrospect I think it pretty well sums up how I’ve approached things for most of my life.

While this approach works very well professionally, not surprisingly it doesn’t always go so well within the context of a relationship.

You may have noticed that there isn’t very much room within that process for emotional considerations – you come to a logical conclusion based on a set of rules and whatever information is at hand. However, any serious relationship (especially betwen two twenty-somethings) is going to be rife with emotion, and this is where the process tends to break down.

Sometimes, the problem is simply one of not having all the relevant information on hand. For example: Let’s say I see a large amount of fruit sitting on my counter. She brought it home one day, but it hasn’t been touched in weeks. It’s more than two people could possibly eat, and on top of that it’s now overripe and well on its way to spoiling. On the face of it, this doesn’t seem like that big of an issue, right? The fruit will just sit on the counter attracting the local varieties of insect and microbes unless we do something, and again, there’s no possible way we could eat all of it before that happens. So, with only that information at hand, it would seem reasonable to simply reduce the amount of fruit to a more manageable number, right?

Wrong answer, apparently. Not too long after giving away half the pile of quickly ripening fruit, my significant other flew into a rage. “How dare you!” “You had no right!” etc. It was a level of anger that I thought might have been appropriate if I had just told her about my secret wife and kids up in Canada, but not so much for giving away some fruit.

It wasn’t until later that she told me a little more about what was going on. The fruit was from her grandmother’s fruit tree, it was her favorite kind of fruit, and she rarely gets a chance to get that kind of fruit. Well, knowing all that, her reaction made a little more sense, but at the time it just seemed to come out of left field.

Other times, though, it really is just a left-field reaction, the type she knows is irrational but can’t control, and usually later apologizes for. These are the ones that are very hard for someone like me. I’m the type that needs things to make sense; I’m very used to understanding things, so when I can’t wrap my head around something no matter how hard I try, my tendency is either to obsess over it, or failing that, to just shut down.

Take a handheld calculator, and divide by zero – that’s what happens to my brain when she reacts so strongly to something I thought should have been innocuous. In those situations, I think there are two possibilities: either she’s overreacting and this isn’t being fair to me, or she isn’t overreacting, I do deserve this anger, but I’m missing something so I can’t understand it. I’ll tend to believe the latter option, and thus I’ll end up turning inward, the little gears of my brain churning away, furiously trying to figure out what I did or said or didn’t do or say to upset her so.

But the real problem is that while my brain is so occupied, there isn’t much thought power left for speaking, i.e., outwardly I shut down. It’s just the way I’ve always been – if I’m asked a question, I won’t speak up unless I have the “right” answer. Well, I’m sure you see the problem here – in a lot of these situations, there is no “right” answer. Of course, that won’t stop my brain from trying to figure out what it should be anyway, and thus I’m stuck in a loop from which I can’t escape, and all the while I’m being very unresponsive, which of course only further aggravates her.

I now know that these outbursts constitute a known issue for her, she can’t control them, and she’s trying to improve. Just knowing that is honestly a comfort. I will have to admit, however, that even knowing that, when we’re in the moment – the “wondering why she’s mad and what did I do” moment – I’m still being driven just a little crazy. I just remind myself that it’s worth it to give her the time she needs to work through it because yeah, I do love her.

As for me and my issue, I am trying to speak up even when my brain tells me not to. It’s honestly very hard for me; as a stereotypical analytical male, it’s not surprising that I can have a difficult time expressing or even discussing emotions. They don’t always fit my concept of a rational and quantifiable worldview. But I’m trying, and I hope she can at least appreciate that much.

SHE SAYS: An effort to explain mood swings in a woman’s 20s

“You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.”
- An aggrivated Isabella Swan to her vampire co-part, Edward Cullen in Twilight.

I’m not talking about moody teenagers, or vampires for that matter, but this is a common issue between couples that can really put huge amounts of stress on significant relationships. Equally as important, the stress also affects the individuals who have no clue of understanding where these intense mood swings come from. Women in their 20s don’t really have it bad. They’re likely in the best shape of their life and still have good skin. They still have eggs in their ovaries, so WHAT GIVES? I don’t think anyone can set a solution in stone… all we have are our stories.

I’ll admit, right now, I could be entirely content at one moment, only to bewilder myself and my boyfriend by how fast I flip out after a small bump in the road. And I seriously mean I FLIPPING-THE-F-OUT… angry words, tears, sadness, bringing up “the past” then guilt for letting something so insignificant get under my skin.

The guilt happens because I wasn’t always like this. Through all my years of dating, I was considered by others to be the sweet one. The tolerant one. The great girlfriend who was always willing to compromise, could easily put herself in someone else’s shoes (most likely size 12 men’s shoes), and never sweat the small stuff. Someone once jokingly asked about me, “How could she be so nice? Really, what the hell is her agenda?” But in all seriousness - it was simply me, and I liked who I was. My friends and those I loved seemed generally happy.

Then it happened. I was dumped like trash kicked to the curb on a Monday morning, and I received more than the typical “It’s not you, it’s me” deal guys usually give when the girl hasn’t lied, cheated, stolen, or bitched in general. He said to me, “You have to admit you have a problem. You’re too nice and I can’t handle it (blah blah blah)…” Essentially, at the end of this fanstastically offending exit speech, he called me a pushover. Even if that wasn’t his intention, the scar was definitely left on my character. I even thought at one point, “Nice guys really do finish last, and the theory does not discrimiate. Apparently, nice girls finish last, too.”

Time goes by, and of course, the days get easier. Eventually, I was able to take the risk again and give relationships another try. Luckily for me, I found someone who absolutely ready to make me happy. He didn’t know it at the time, but he was going to have a rough road ahead and it would be a true challenge of how bad he wanted to make it work. In fact, I’m pretty sure he still has no idea what he’s in for.

Along the way, the once sweet girl lost her tolerance, and when something doesn’t seem right, she now speaks up FAST, intentionally driving the message home with a streak of bitchiness. The worst part is that she is well aware of her behavior and the affect she has on this poor guy. Yep, that’s me, a newly spawned BITCH and I can’t help it. The poor guy looks at me with confused eyes, genuinely saying, “I don’t understand.” I know he doesn’t. There’s no reason to blow up at him at that level of intensity. In fact, all he’s done is try to make me happy, occasionally making oversights that normal guys always have, like getting a little crazy with the guys, having one beer too many, or refusing to clean up after himself. I know all this, and I still swing like a metal bat crushing all the balls in my path (pun intended). The guilt sets in. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Here’s where the story starts to make sense (to me, anyway). I can’t go back to being a woman who sits on the far edge of the sweetness spectrum. It’s not possible, because I’ve learned that those women get walked on, get taken advantage of, and ultimately, get left behind in one way or another. I can’t cater to a man 100%, convince myself that I’m entirely independent, and unintentionally put my own needs on the backburner… all for the sake of staying together.

After going through the emotions of being dumped for being “too nice,” I fell to the other extreme end of the spectrum in defense of myself, and it’s been all bad. The mood swings come from being emotionally stuck in a defensive state during a time when I’m exerting a constant effort to once again become the person I enjoyed being in the past. This is hard to juggle.

I can never fully return to who I was before - this, I know. The goal is to balance myself, which is much like trying to balance a highly unstable ball in Labyrinth… Sometimes I’ll fall off the edge into a hole of anger, then wish my lucky stars for another chance to get back on my path to being happy with someone who I think could be the right person for me.

If I’m with the right guy, he’ll work with me as I try to find a balance between choosing my battles wisely vs. picking EVERY new battle, subconsciously feeling satisfation in not standing up for myself in the past. He’ll adapt himself when he hears why I’m pissed at him to help keep our team together. But I’m pretty sure it’s safe to assume that chances eventually do run out, and I can’t expect him to feel walked on or taken advantage of, either.